What I’m leaving behind

As the end of the year approaches, you find people making lists.

Lists of resolutions. Lists of goals. Lists of priorities for the new year. Lists of the events that have made the past year special. Lists of what they would have done differently. Lists of the best posts on Instagram.

And I eat it up, because I love lists.

My roommate showed me that Ann Voskamp had a really good framework to look towards the year 2016. And it was of course, a list. So we completed the list. Mine looks like this.

I was talking to a dear friend of mine. I told her that she can make the decision to leave the hurt in 2015 and start fresh and new in this new year. The new year has that effect on people. Every day is a fresh and new start, but somehow a new year is a fresh start for BIG changes.

As I spent time with the Lord, I realized that I needed to tell myself the same thing I told my friend. I needed to tell myself to leave my hangups and hurt in 2015.

So this, is an open letter to a toxic relationship that I am leaving behind in 2015. Someone I have had to breakup with for years, now, but did not have the courage to.

And it’s my toxic relationship with food.

I was hurt as a child. And the circumstances of that hurt allowed me to cope with my confusion and pain through food.

And food, became my best friend. It became my go-to coping mechanism. It became the thing that comforts me. And it snow balled into a binge eating disorder. Something I still suffer with.

The hardest part about food as a coping mechanism, is that it is an addiction that you cannot abstain from.

And addiction hurts. Not just yourself, but others.

Food has become an idol for me and it is actually hurting me physiologically.

As an adult, I can now process complex emotions and know how to diffuse situations. But sometimes, it’s just easier to stuff your feelings and not feel. Especially when it is savory food. But, it’s time to grow up and use other ways to deal with fear, uncertainty, and confusion in my life.

So..big changes. New  Year. Here we go…

Dear Friend,

It’s strange to call you that. I have known you for about 21 years now. You grew up with me. You shaped me. You comforted me. You were there for me in ways no one could be. In many ways, you filled the empty spaces of my heart.

It was you and me. Together. Fighting so much of this confusion. Fighting so much of the pain. You actually helped me NOT feel pain. This was the only way I knew how to make sense of the hurt that was happening to me. 

But, you are no longer a friend. Our friendship has become toxic, because your friendship has ended up doing more harm than good. So, as 2015 ends, and 2016 begins, I need to leave you behind. 

I use you, when I don’t want to deal with the world. 

I use you, when I don’t want to deal with my pain. 

I use you, when I don’t want to remember. 

I use you, when I want to hide. 

That is not how Christ made me to be. So starting now, I am choosing myself. 

I am choosing healing. 

I am choosing love. 

I am choosing light. 

I am choosing transparency and accountability. 

I am choosing my future husband. 

I am choosing my future children. 

Most importantly, I am choosing Christ. Choosing you is a temporary and toxic fix. Choosing Christ is eternal. 

Yes, there will be times when I want to see you again. There will be times where I will turn around and seek you, and find that you are no longer there. 21 years is a lot of time to unravel. 

But I will take it one step at a time, one day at a time. 

Thanks for the little good that you have done. The 9 year old appreciates it. But, the expiration date in our friendship has long surpassed. 

So long, 

Marianne

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Pat Turner says:

    Awww I absolutely love this and have so much respect for you. I’m using your list

    Like

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